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Monday, December 12, 2011

Faking, Home, and Hope

WARNING: This is a little more personal than usual.
I needed to write so this is my platform.
OAGJ is, after all, ME!


I spent a few precious hours on Sunday in quiet solitude.
I have been out of sorts lately.
I have blamed it on...
being sick,
the weather,
my
children,
my husband's new job,
my leaking roof,
our 
messy home,
the bills that need to be paid,
and
about another zillion little things. 



The truth is...
 that I am in a low place right now.

With depression I end up
short tempered,
full of anxiety,
self depreciating,
and
a lot of FAKING goes on.

Fake smile,
Fake laughing,
Fake caring about life,
and beating myself up for
everything I do
and don't do.

A counseling philosophy kicks in...
Fake it till you can make it.

Seriously, I am REALLY good at faking and
I have had countless years of practice.
But faking my way through life can only last so long, and while
I am really good at this, I eventually, usually, realize
that I am doing A LOT of faking and not a lot of enjoying.

That is the point I was at Saturday night.
I had been freaking out all day and was on emotional
meltdown mode when Greg arrived home from work.
I was so worked up that I couldn't even sleep, although
sleep was all I wanted. I went to bed very late and 
fell asleep praying.

I have been praying, for several week's, for patience and relief.
A push came at 6am Sunday morning when I woke 
from a deep sleep with the need to go to church.
I hate waking up early but this was the one chance I 
had to go off on my own to try to gain some perspective.

I arrived 30 minutes early and sat in the quiet building 
listening to the choir practice and praying to mend my 
fractured soul.

 I hate when I must ask for this time after 
time. 

 I can recognize what I need, but I always
feel like a loser who cannot get a grip of her  own life.
I suppose that is why things sometimes get so far gone
before I actually realize that I need help.

 As I sat there, with my heart feeling like it was hollow and locked
away. I attempted to chip away to open it up
to love and acceptance. As the minutes passed and the
service started, I continued to ask for patients and relief.
The songs that the choir sang seemed to be answers
to many of my requests and I felt the connection to my 
holy Father. There wasn't a miracle, I never expected
there to be, I left feeling the shadows lurking but with
a lighter heart. I knew that I needed to stop judging myself
so harshly and be the patience that I was looking for.

Something interesting did occur,
for the first time in my 37 years of life, I attended
a service just for me. For the first time
I didn't care what the other parishioners
were thinking, or what they thought of me. 
I didn't feel judged or questioned.
I felt that I had come home
and
I arrived back to our house with a sense of hope.

Oh, the shadows, they do lurk, but I know
that a continued patience will bring about
a lot less faking and a lot more living.

That, my friends, is what HOPE is all about
 and since it has 
been missing for awhile 
I will take it.




Enjoy!

XOXO,

Julie

13 comments:

  1. Aww Julie, this was such a touching post. Sometimes it helps to be in a quiet place to sit and reflect, just like you did. Hopefully things will be looking brighter for you soon :)

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  2. Thank you so much for being so open and honest, Julie. I don't know your story or your depression, but I have had relatable feelings and experiences. Praying that you continue to find the peace, hope, patience, and strength you seek. I have been given the 'gift' of faking as well. Not always a good thing. :). Take care of you!
    Love,
    Karen
    ( the red and the way you accessorized is beautiful.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aww, thank you so much for being brave enough to share what's been going on in your life. That's what the Lord is all about, you know? He wants to mend our fractured souls and love us and show us what He has for us in life.

    Despite feeling low, you look simply beautiful! Red is certainly your color!

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  4. Yay for faith showing you the light at the end of the tunnel!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much for your vulnerability! I also struggle with depression and anxiety so I know what you mean by faking it! I'm so glad that in your time of despair you ran to God. So many people run to so many other things to sooth the pain but God is the only one that can truly bring comfort and healing. He has been so good to me in my struggles and I know He will do the dame for you! Hang in there girl and know that you are loved!

    Lindsey Turner
    http://thriftandshout.blogspot.com
    Lindsey Turner

    ReplyDelete
  6. I came to your blog because the lovely red dress caught my attention. I am so glad I ventured your way. So many of us can relate to this post. I have had some of the same moments of despair and anxiousness. God has continued to see me through those rough times and I know he will do the same for you. Btw, you look absolutely lovely in black & red! I love the accessories as well.

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  7. Julie I`m sorry to hear you`re in a moment of need as it`s something I can relate to having experienced depression and being on antidepressants for years. Faking it can be so exhausting, sometimes we just need people to understand and accept for where we are. I`m glad that church helps- sometimes having a supportive community around you can do wonders.

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  8. Julie,

    I wrote this short poem recently about this very topic. Be strong, my friend.

    kris

    For many years now, I've known suffering, though he happens to be my friend. He lives down the street a ways, a house or two around the bend. I've found myself a time or two standing at the edge of his stone path, the wooden garden sign welcoming me, yet hesitant to pass. His garden is beautifully crafted, no different than yours or mine, though his mastery lies in Annuals, planting countless seeds in winter time. As the cold earth warms in Spring and the seeds begin to grow, I walk the path to suffering's garden, courage and strength in tow. The transformation, the beauty, the life -- without suffering -- I would not know.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Julie, firstly thank you for sharing your true feelings. Its so refreshing in a world of "fakeness" to hear true words. I often feel this exact same way and feel like i cant crawl out of it. I fake my way through many a day and at the end sometimes wonder who i truly am as the line of reality and falseness blurs. i hope hope stays with you and optimism fills you.
    Your beautiful dress has made me genuinely smile!! Its stunning :)
    Take care of you!
    Rachel
    x

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  10. Wow. Thank you for sharing this beautiful and honest post. I am so happy to hear you are feeling hope after such a dark time.

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  11. Oh how I know this feeling all too well (but you already know that). Isn't it freeing to have that moment when you forget the enemies lies and the others stares and you simply rest in His house of worship and commune with Him? Wounds and past and sadness and all? There's nothing like it. So happy you found it in that moment friend. Praying for you.

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  12. I have the same problems with depression. It really is the loneliest feeling, even when you're surrounded by love.

    Good luck.

    Jenn

    P.S. I don't pretend to know how to "cure" anyone else but yoga/meditation helps me a LOT. My practice isn't spiritual or religious but there's no reason it couldn't be.

    ReplyDelete

XOXO,

Julie

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