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Friday, May 4, 2012

It's All Left Eye Here...

tears
It is all Left Eye tears here.


I feel that I have been possessed by a zombie.
I have taken a beating this week.
People who barely know me are shocked that I have not been driven to drink.
Friends and family keep reminding me of how strong they see me.
They keep telling me that I possess an unimaginable amount of courage.
That I am "JULIE" and that I can do anything and that this too shall pass.


The funny thing is that I know that they are right.
A year from now I will look back at all of this and while it may still hurt, I will be better, happier, and even appreciated.
So why than is that funny?
Because, while I know they are right in my brain, my heart hurts with a constant throbbing pain.


6 days.
6 days without my children.
6 days without seeing their smiling, sweet, and precocious faces.
6 days is a LONG TIME people!


Here is my attempt at the positive...
6 days will be followed by 5 days of uninterrupted joy of cuddles and kisses and hugs only to be followed by 5 days of pain and the pattern repeats. (Whoops, guess the positive isn't really coming through right now) 
I know that in a year this will be routine but, right now, it is torture. 
I feel like it is going to be a constant ripping of a band aid.
A constant festering wound of loss.


Yes, I wanted the divorce.
Yes, I needed the divorce.
Yes, I would not change that fact.
Yes, in a year I do anticipate that I will be better and, by God, IT HAS TO BE to make the 5 days worth all the pain.


~Julie